Starbucks and the war against Jesus

Tommy Martin

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Now that Thanksgiving is over, I can, without guilt, immerse myself in as much Christmas spirit as I want. I’ve begun to blast the music, binge watch the movies and brainstorm ideas for gifts. But nothing—absolutely nothing—says, “ ’Tis the season,” like the Starbucks holiday cups.

The crux of Christmas undoubtedly lies in those thin cardboard cylinders. A person simply cannot celebrate the best holiday of the year without the cups. Covering them up with a bland brown sleeve, throwing them away after a few minutes, and promptly forgetting about them is a time honored tradition by many. You can’t spell “Christmas” without “Starbucks cups” (as long as you rearrange the letters and discard the b, u, c, and k).

After all, did not one of the three kings bestow a peppermint mocha in such a cup to the baby Jesus? Was the good news the angels shared with the shepherds not concerned with the introduction of the cups? For goodness sake, why did Mary travel to Bethlehem on a mule if not to order a triple grande soy eggnog latte?

Dark times have drawn upon us now, however, as Starbucks boldly declared its war on Christmas by replacing their traditional Christmas cups with a simple red cup. I, for one, refuse to accept Starbucks’ attempt to wish a happy holiday season to all, not just Christmas celebrators. Starbucks has simultaneously shirked its duty and attacked good Christians across the world; the secular corporation and the Christian holiday are clearly inseparable.

A small ray of light has managed to break through the dark clouds of oppression. Luckily, others share my indignation. We refuse to accept silence in the face of Starbucks’ personal insult on Jesus’ birth. We have developed a simple, yet effective plan; we will defeat Starbucks by buying their products. That will teach Starbucks not to mess with the most wonderful time of the year. I can’t wait to see how the barista quakes as I tell her to write, “Merry Christmas,” as my name on those atrocious red cups.

Nobody planned for Christmas to take this course. Everybody would rather spend their time contributing to the giving season and spreading joy to the world, but Starbucks has forced our hand. They’ve made us respond against our will and spread hate to the world. Starbucks’ crimes grow darker every day: they not only issued the attack, but drew attention away from the Christmas season in creating the need for a response.

I can’t help believing we’re in for a long winter. We all miss the good old days of holiday mirth; however, we miss the true meaning of Christmas more. The world needs a little Linus right now to show Starbucks how they’re deviating from the spirit of Christmas. Society has increasingly wandered away from the essence of the holiday season, but we need to draw the line somewhere.

What’s Halloween without Halloween-themed candy?

What’s Christmas without Christmas-themed Starbucks cups?

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Starbucks and the war against Jesus